Have you ever had a phobia? Or something you really like to do and really want to do but can’t bring yourself to actually do for whatever reason comes to mind? Public speaking? Driving fast down a straight-stretch highway? Running a red light when there’s absolutely no one around? Walking outside in your robe without makeup?
Well, I do. One of those is writing in my blog. See, I have no doubt that there are people out there who want to read my blog. I get email responses all of the time from people who like what I have to say or want to challenge my thoughts in some form or another. But I get scared. I have this idea that a blog is supposed to be a place where people go and say things that enhance other people’s lives. So then, I sit here and think to myself, “Who am I to think that I am someone who can enhance other people’s lives? What have I done that’s so great that people feel as if they are better having read my posts than not, whether they agree with what I have to say or not?”
So, I just usually don’t write blogs.
But the thing is, I have set up my life so that the people involved all love and respect me, and I love and respect them. This sort of mutual give and take of love and respect lends itself to giving and taking advice. So, when my friends are struggling with something, they call me and I give the best damned advice I can give (which is, frustratingly, sometimes not advice at all but rather, “Well, what do YOU think you should do?” to which they respond with “Dammit, Tabby,just tell me the answer.”) and nearly every time, my friends respond at the end of the conversation with feedback that they feel better now, having talked to me.
It surprises me every time. Am I really that wise? Or has the world lowered their standards so much that I seem wise?
This is the lie that intertwines itself in all aspects of my life, it seems. I maintain this concept that I have somehow been selected by everyone I know to do things greater than I feel I am capable of doing, and I just don’t get how I am able to maintain these expectations. It’s this strange disconnect with reality that I actually CAN maintain them and I do—all of the time.
Well, anyway, my point is, I’m scared to expose myself and my thoughts and beliefs to the world because I have lied to myself my entire life; I’ve told myself that I am not worthy to share these thoughts and beliefs. But what makes someone worthy of sharing thoughts and beliefs with the world?
I have no idea. But, I’m going to keep expressing myself in this blog even if the only thing I can post is a picture of something I found beautiful, or a poem I liked, or a set of lyrics I wrote.
See, I used to be on a journey to ‘discover myself.’ I realized, however, that I know perfectly well who I am. My present journey is to stop distracting myself with lies about my self-perceived imperfection.
My affirmation for the week is that I AM perfect, and that making mistakes or failing does not invalidate that perfection.
So my question for you, the reader: Are these things you struggle with, too?